He lost his daughter, he lost his wife, his mother and in the course of events…he almost lost his self.
The pain and emptiness as well as the longing for someone are so suffocating that you eventually wish to just die and let go of everything, he experienced it all. He experienced it in a tender age of seventeen. He was so young back then but he struggled to fight though he was eventually crushed by the obstacle that was so big compared to him.
The pieces of his self were scattered in the ground, pulverized by time.
Though I badly wanted to give my empathy, I already knew that there’s no way I could understand his pain. There’s no way I could feel the same loneliness he’d experienced. There’s nothing I could do to help him forget but to silently reach out my hand for him; to save him from being totally drowned.
While remembering those eyes that were blurred by written agony, I knew he’s still struggling that night. I knew he hasn’t found the answers yet. But I badly wanted to help him heal, to overcome this challenged laid in front of him with me by his side. If he’d only let me, I would gladly stay.
If he’d only let me.
But that night, he refused…eventually letting go of my hand.
He let go of my offered salvation. He bid me farewell together with that simple nod and six words; I wanted to do this alone. I somehow knew that those words will escape his lips. I already have a haunch. But I didn’t know it will hurt like this. I wanted to curse, to shout and to cry. But it isn’t possible right? With him in front of me, I know the pain that was killing me is just a small ounce compared to what he’d been through and what he will overcome.
After locking my gaze towards his direction, I then initiated a kiss. He didn’t refuse nor pushed me like the last time. He just remained silent allowing me to express my pain and refusal to his decision. It just took me seconds when I tore myself away from him.
I have to let him go.
I wanted to answer that six words but I still haven’t found my voice. No, I don’t think I will ever find myself after this. Blinded by the tears that gave warmth to my cheeks, I watched him disappear in the shadows of silent buildings from behind.
After all the mess, after the entire ride, I was here all along. On the side line as a mere spectator watching him grow and disappear.